MomTalk.com August 28, 2008: The women's magazine for moms about children, family, health, home, fashion, careers, marriage & more

Fixing Friendship Dilemmas

By Wendy S. Loughlin

"I get by with a little help from my friends," the Beatles famously sang. But what happens when a friend is more hurtful than helpful? What if you decide it's time to "break up" with a friend?

There are several reasons why you might choose to end a friendship, according to Marla Paul, author of The Friendship Crisis: Finding, Making, and Keeping Friends When You're Not a Kid Anymore. "You may have been let down or disappointed by a friend, you may feel she's neglectful, or you simply may have grown apart," says Paul.

Liz Reyner of Albany, New York, decided to break up with a friend when a cross-country move separated them. "There wasn't a clear reason for our friendship to continue," she says. "We had so little in common, and I came to realize that I wanted different things in my relationships."

Reyner ended the friendship in an indirect way, letting the relationship fade. "I stopped returning my friend's calls and e-mails," she says. "I kind of 'dropped off the face of the earth.'" Paul calls this approach "downgrading," and says it can be a good method for ending a friendship. "It's a slow drifting apart," she says. "And it allows you to resurrect the relationship if you feel differently in the future."

On the other hand, you may choose to totally end a friendship if you come to see your friend as "toxic" ...
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