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Thighway Robbery

By Leeuna Foster

Yesterday the temperatures were in the mid-ninties, so I decided to shed my jeans, put on my bathing suit and go for a dip in the Nolichuckey River that winds its way past our front door.

That's when I discovered that a horrible crime had been committed sometime during the long winter. When I looked at my reflection in the mirror I screamed like a panther. Somebody had stolen my legs!

They had been replaced by a pair of legs that, I swear, belonged to a chicken at one time. The thighs were all lumpy, like cottage cheese and there were tiny blue and purple lines running every which way. It reminded me of a page out of a road Atlas.

I ran screaming to my hubby and he immediately began to map out our vacation on my left calf.

"These aren't my legs" I sobbed. "I'm calling the Sheriff. Somebody broke in the house and took mine while I was asleep."
"Now, calm down," Hubby advised. "they'll look fine once they're tanned."

(The man never gets excited! I could tell him the house is burning to the ground and he would say, "Okay, let me get my shoes on and I'll go have a look...")

"But honey, I can't walk around all summer with these lumpy, blue veined, chicken legs. There's no way that I am going outside until winter!"

I pulled on my ragged sweat pants and slunk away to the kitchen, feeling like a scolded dog. My daughter would be back from the beach in the morning. I couldn't wait to tell her what had happened. I knew she would be sympathetic! She knows all about legs and how important they are. The next morning I was waiting on the porch when she drove up.

I noticed it the moment she got out of the car! I should have known!

She was wearing a pair of Daisy Duke shorts and MY LEGS! I recognized them right away 'cause they were tanned and shapely and there was nary a vein in sight! And not one lump of cottage cheese could be seen anywhere...

Kids! Why do they think they can just take anything they see lying around, without even asking?

I was all set to give her a good shaking and demand that she return them immediately...and then I noticed how happy she looked. So I just sighed and decided not to let on that I knew she'd taken them.

And, after all, the children WILL inherit everything we own, once Hubby and I are gone. Oh well! Might just as well let her enjoy her inheritance while she is young. And I'll have to admit...they do look great on her!

Like Hubby says, these legs might not be all that bad... once they get some sun.

Leeuna Foster has been writing for two decades. Her fiction and poetry have won several awards. She is also a regular contributer to StoryTime Tapestry and a syndicated columnists. Her latest book, Hangin' With the Rednecks is now available in print. Leeuna Foster may be contacted at http://www.southernfriedwriters.com