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I'm Not Their Mom

When MomTalk asked me to write about being a stepmom, and about some things I've tried that have worked and some that haven't, I was energized. I've been a step-mom for four years now and I thought that I would have lots of tips, lots of glorious stories of what a great stepmom I am, and a long list of all the fun things we do together, just me and the boys.

Then I came back to reality.

The Joys and Challenges of Being a Stepmom

By Dina Wolkoff

When MomTalk asked me to write about being a stepmom, and to write about some things I've tried that have worked and some that haven't, I was energized. I've been a step-mom for four years now and I thought that I would have lots of tips, lots of glorious stories of what a great stepmom I am, and a long list of all the fun things we do together, just me and the boys.

Then I came back to reality.

I love my stepsons, Henry (12) and Calder (9). They truly are good kids. They have never been rude to me or about me. I'm fortunate to have them in my life. But being a stepmom is hard. It takes whatever insecure feelings you have and lays them out in the light of day. It's like going through airport security when you've packed too much and you're late for your plane. The security agent roots around in your bag as your underwear, tampons, and loose papers scatter as others walk by. You grab at your personal things, one hand on your bag, one hand tying your shoes, one hand stuffing your junk into a pocket, one hand putting on your belt … Oh, wait! You only have two hands!

And to your right, in the next lane, is Mom. She has one small bag, a purse over her shoulder, so both arms are free to hold her children's hands.

So, you look ahead, stand up straight, and do the only thing you can do: laugh, and move forward.

If you only read this far, the one thing to know, the one thing to remember in your life as a stepmom is this: Keep trying.

As a stepmom, I sometimes feel lonely and vulnerable: Lonely, when I feel left out of the threesome consisting of my husband and his two sons; and vulnerable, when I offer myself up to the boys to talk, play, cook, – and they say no – no to an activity; no to dinner; no to me.

I first met Calder and Henry five years ago when Calder was five and Henry was seven. I was living in Minnesota, and Tal, their Dad, was in Vermont. The course of my relationship has had many ups and downs with the things I've tried, they've tried, some that have worked, some that haven't. The seemingly small things like enjoying a game of cards together can take a long time to happen, but go a long way in an effort to develop a comfortable relationship with each of the boys. In contrast, the set-backs are painful and the rejection stings. The only thing I can do is to keep moving forward and try not to take things too personally. And sometimes, I do ask myself, "What's your choice? Leave?" And I do have a choice, but leaving is never my answer. My choices are to continue trying, or take a break. I do both, and I don't feel bad about it anymore. Sometimes the break is one hour, sometimes it's two days, but it always helps.

As difficult as the transition has been for me to become a stepmom, it is equally if not more challenging for the boys to accept me into their lives. They didn't choose this. They already have a mom.

When people ask me about what it is like for me to be a stepmom, I tell them that "my boys" have a Mom, they're close to their Mom, and I am not their Mom and never will be. My goal is to be a loving, supportive person in their lives, and to be a good example to them through my marriage to their father. Even though their Mom and Dad got divorced, they can still look at us and see that a marriage can work, work well, with love and humor and work.

Every step-family is different. There's no doubt that my life as a stepmom has been enhanced by the fact that Tal and his ex-wife can work together for the sake of the kids, and that I am included as a partner.

However, as I try to find my place in the parenting circle, I can't help but compare myself to Henry and Calder's mom. Their mom is fantastic, and I'm appreciative of her and the relationship she has to the boys. But because she compares so favorably, I feel like I have to do better – not better than she does, but better than I am currently doing.

One area where I have learned from their Mom is in regard to their chores. A few months ago, I said, "Calder and Henry, I know it's uncomfortable for you when I ask you to help with chores, and it is uncomfortable for me, too. But it's still important, and I think we can find a solution that works for us." Tal didn't have a suggestion, so, I thought, let's do what we know works for them – let's do what they do at their Mom's house. While I would have loved to have come up with a solution that is uniquely ours that isn't copying their Mom, what is more important is that we do what works for them (while achieving our goals).

And yet there are those precious moments when I feel like I do succeed all on my own. When the TV remote was accidentally reprogrammed, Tal couldn't figure out how to fix it. So, I decided to give it a try. I remembered what my Dad always told me, read the directions, and Voila! The remote was fixed. The Sabres vs. Bruins game was back on. I can set a digital watch and an alarm clock. I have the patience to stretch the ski boot as far as it goes, and calmly, without swearing, insert a boy's foot successfully. And I know how to listen. When Henry wanted to play guitar, I went to the music store to buy it. When he needed a tuner, I found one. When Calder's guinea pig was outgrowing her cage, I got her a bigger one. Many times, when the boys' parents are overloaded, I can step in and pick up the slack. It just takes a little initiative. And then, usually what I hear from the boys is a resounding, "THANK YOU, DINA!" – Nothing makes me happier, and makes it all worthwhile.

I'm constantly looking for ways to interact with them, to connect on their level, and to make them feel good. I try to introduce them to things I like to do, music I like to listen to, food I like to eat. It's natural for people to share what they know. Their Mom and I are different people with different backgrounds. But because she is their Mom, what they experience with her is natural to them – it's their first culture. This includes everything from holidays to cooking. Sometimes it's as if I am from another country, introducing them to things that are from my perspective and life. Most true in the area of food.

Preparing food is a way that I can help. Their Dad doesn't like to cook, so why not make them dinner? The problem is, is this is one area that they can directly compare and contrast me with their Mom. And what could be more vital, more life affirming than food? Whether they do this consciously, I don't know. But it's the one area that has tripped me up countless times, as I open myself up for rejection if they don't want or don't like what I cook.

I'm Jewish. Tal, they boys, and their Mom are not. One day, I decided to make them Matzo Ball Soup. I was wary of putting anything in it like barley or vegetables – I wanted to make it as plain as possible. They loved it so much that they told their Mom about it and she started making it for them. The next time I excitedly prepared the soup for them Henry said, "My mom makes the best Matzo Ball Soup. I love the way she makes it, with chopped up celery and carrots." I was crushed! I had finally made something that they liked. And now a part of my Jewish self, my matzo ball soup – even if it is Manischevitz from a box – was co-opted by their mother.

Lately ambivalence has taken over. I ask, "Boys, do you want some breakfast?" They respond, "Ummm, I don't know, maybe." Then, 10 minutes later, they clomp into the office and say to their Dad, "Dad, I'm so hungry, will you make me breakfast?" Or, they'll root around in the cabinet for food, and I will offer to make them something. "Can I help you with that soup?" "Umm, maybe."

Why is this such a touchy issue? Because food is central to our beings. Their uncertainty around accepting food from me is symbolic of their uncertainty about me. Or so I feel, when I am feeling insecure.

It's as if they are afraid of accepting help from me, afraid of letting me in.

But there are precious moments when their guard is down and I am allowed access into their world, and it feels good. And the key is to treasure those moments and be open to them – dive in, take risks, make yourself vulnerable, keep trying – it's worth it!

Tips for New Stepmoms

I've been a stepmom to two boys for four years now. Since every step-family is unique, and every person is unique, these may or may not apply to you. But if you find something here that makes sense to you, keep this list at hand, and know there are other stepmoms who support you!

Be yourself.
Your husband loves you for who you really are, so let the kids see your personality. They'll pick up on your positive qualities, maybe even some that you weren't aware of. Be an example to them.

Find out what the kids like to eat and give it to them.
If you make something that they don't like, don't take it personally – start over.

Support them at every step.
Support who they are, their likes and dislikes, praise their strengths and give encouragement around their weaknesses. What kid can't use another supportive adult in his or her life?

Show them love with your actions and your words.
Be physically affectionate if they are comfortable with it.

Do things with them.
Ask them to do things with you even if they say no. Ask again.

Do things with the kids without their Dad around.
This can be a challenge, as the kids will want to be with their Dad. Make the time for activities or even giving them a ride without their Dad there.

Always ask how things are going even if they don't answer.

Be Silly! … But only when it feels natural to you.

Be careful with your words.
Your stepkids are listening closely to what you say to them and about them. Hold your tongue – if your gut tells you it may not be appropriate, don't say it.

Limit the amount of disciplining you do right away (especially if the kids are school age or older).
Generally speaking, it's best to leave this one to your husband and let it go. My rule is: if they're causing physical pain to each other or destroying the house, I step in. Anything else, I let them figure it out.

Don't expect to change anything immediately.
The kids and their Dad had a relationship before you came into the picture.
Habits, expectations are set by their parents, not you. So if they aren't meeting your expectations, lower the bar, and accept that there are some things you cannot change.

Speak well about their Mom in front of them.
Understand her role in the kids' lives. If you have nothing good to say about her, then support their own feelings of love for their Mom.

Be respectful to their Mom.
If this isn't possible, then don't talk to her.

Let go of trying to be like their Mom.
If you try, you're setting yourself up for failure, and your self-esteem will erode.

Try to keep any stress or conflicts that you may have with your husband separate from your relationship with the kids.
If you're having a tough time communicating, get counseling.

Realize that your husband's way with the kids will often prevail.
You may have a different way of doing things than your husband. You may want your stepkids to do things your way – but the person you are trying to change is your husband. Let it go, move on.

If you feel bad, take a break.
If you are having a hard day, find a quiet place in your home and do something alone, for as long as it takes. You don't have to be around the kids all of the time.

Keep Trying.
If your stepkids say no to your offers of help, to doing things with you, accept it and try again another time.

When you're not getting the things you need, focus on what you have – in your own life, apart from your husband and stepkids.
Talk to your friends and family, go for a walk, love your dog.

Be patient.
Have patience with the small things, on an hourly, daily basis. Be patient with your stepkids (and your husband!) if they don't do things exactly the way you want.
Have patience over the long-term. Developing your relationship will take a lot of time. So, go to bed early, and start again tomorrow.

Dina Wolkoff is a native Minnesotan who now lives in Ripton, VT, with her husband and two stepsons. She works in College Advancement at Middlebury College (where she attended and first met her husband Tal, 22 years ago).