Women Starting Over
How to take charge of your financial future
Women are more educated, earn higher incomes and have a more powerful role in the workplace than women of previous generations. But in spite of this progress, 90 percent of women say they feel financially insecure, according to the 2007 Allianz Women, Money and Power Study. The vast majority of women will need to take financial responsibility at some point in their lives, so it is vital that they have the knowledge and confidence to take charge of their financial future.
A 2009 report by The Women's Institute for a Secure Retirement (WISER) says that women are particularly vulnerable going into retirement. The findings in "How Can Women's Income Last as Long as They Do?" show that:
* Women at age 65 are expected to live, on average, another 20 years - four years longer than men. That means they will need to save more for retirement.
* Less than one third of retired women today receive pension income. And less than half of today's working women have access to a pension or retirement savings plan through their jobs.
* For more than 40 percent of older women living alone, Social Security is virtually all that they have. This group is four to five times more likely to be poor than married couples.
"Each stage of life holds events that can shape your financial needs and impact your ability to achieve long-term goals," says Katie Libbe, vice president of Marketing Solutions for Allianz Life. "Divorce and widowhood are two stages that have significant financial impact for women, so they need to learn how to take control of their financial futures."
Here are some tips to help begin the process of starting over.
Gather all the information you need to evaluate your current financial situation. These include:
* Checking and savings account statements
* Credit card information
* Tax returns
* Social Security records
* Investment information - stocks and bonds certificates, mutual fund statements
* Insurance policies - homeowner's, life, auto, health, long-term care
* Retirement assets - 401(k), pension, IRA, ROTH IRA, annuity statements
* Deeds
* Wills and powers of attorney
Evaluate how much money you will need for the next six to 12 months and keep that money in an easily accessible account in your own name.
* Pay Your Bills. Failure to pay your bills can result in bigger problems due to late payment fees, interest charges, and damage to your credit history.
* Take it Slow. Don't make any major purchases or changes right away. Give yourself time to heal emotionally before rushing into major decisions.
If you don't already have a financial advisor, it may be advisable to get one. "A professional financial planner can help you improve your current financial management and help you through these challenging changes," says Libbe. "Their expertise and objective perspective can save you time, and help you invest for your future."
To find a qualified financial advisor, you can ask trusted friends or professionals, such as lawyers and accountants, for references. You can also get references from professional associations such as the Financial Planning Association, the National Association of Personal Financial Advisors, or the American Institute of Certified Public Accountants.
Make sure that you have a support network made up of trusted family, friends and professionals who can give you feedback, go with you to meetings and help you follow up on the actions you need to take.
For more information on finding a financial advisor and to download free financial checklists for the widowed or divorced, visit allianzlife.com/WomenMoneyPower.
Illustration courtesy of Getty Images
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Keep Passion Alive: 7 Tips
by Barbara Calvi, LMFT
Marriage and Relationships -- Do You Know the 7 Secrets to Keeping Passion Alive in Your Marriage?
We know that often, most of the time, passion and sparks tend to diminish in long-term relationships. Familiarity, tedious daily tasks and daily living, and oh, yes, caring for young children 24/7 all seem to conspire against passion and sometimes even interest in intimacy. Yet, research shows that one of the biggest determinants to well adjusted children is the health of the parental relationship. And...a healthy mutually satisfying sexual relationship plays a big part in the emotional and relational health of the couple.
The good news is passion and sparks can be reignited in long-term relationships! Read on and discover 7 tips for reigniting those sparks and keeping the passion alive in your marriage.
Tip #1 -- Create intimacy and bonding. You do this outside of the bedroom and reap the benefits inside the bedroom. Start by really listening to your partner. When your partner talks, give them your full attention, look them in the eye and use active listening skills. In other words, avoid interrupting or trying to fix it and instead, reflect back to your partner the essence of the underlying emotion of what they are saying.
Tip #2 -- Develop a mutual love language. We can't talk about sex without words. And sex is better and more intimate when we do talk about it with our partners. However, some words may be acceptable or even arousing to you but may be bothersome to your partner or the other way around. Find a private time to talk about your love language. You can do this over a glass of wine after the kids go to bed, while sharing a warm bath or while sharing a bowl of ice cream. You can make it serious or silly but take some time to discuss words and phrases for body parts and specific acts that appeal to both of you. Keep in mind that some words or phrases may be bothersome in casual conversation but may be sexy and arousing when you are feeling frisky.
Tip #3 -- Use requests instead of criticism. Instead of saying to your partner, "You don't ever...." in an attempt to get them to do something specific when having sex, figure out what it is you really want instead and then ask for it in a very inviting way. "Tonight I would love it if you would..." Instead of saying "no" to something your partner is doing, provide an alternative to get them on the right track.
Tip #4 -- Share your ideal love making experience. Create a sexy environment, light candles, play sexy music, eat sensual finger foods, sit outside under the stars -- and share each other what would make for you an ideal love making experience. Be sure to include some reminisces of previous lovemaking sessions between the two of you.
Tip #5 -- Vary your sexual routine. For most couples, after a while sex is pretty routine in terms of what people do, how long they do it, how they do it and where they do it. Most people eventually fall into the 15-30 minutes long just before bed or first thing in the morning category. Remember to add in the quickie once in a while (good to peak spontaneity and surprise) AND the more luxurious and romantic longer version once in a while.
Tip #6 -- Share your erotic maps. Maybe you've changed what you like or what you are interested in doing since the beginning of your relationship. Let your lover know what you like now. Remember, talking about sex can be very arousing. Don't miss an opportunity to talk about it.
Tip #7-- Be very specific about what turns you on and what techniques you want your partner to do. We usually don't get what we want unless we ask.
I invite you to use these 7 tips to bring some spark back into your marriage and your sex life.
I would also like to offer you my Free Report: "21 Ways to Renew Fun, Love and Passion" when you subscribe to my newsletter, "Love Your Love Relationship," a monthly newsletter with tips, advice and insights on creating stronger, healthier, and more passionate marriages. You can have access to both at www.Beatthemarriageoddscounseling.com.
... Continue reading Keep Passion Alive: 7 Tips.
Seven Secrets to Affair-Proofing Your Marriage
By Barbara Calvi, LMFT
Do you know the pitfalls that make your marriage vulnerable to an extramarital affair? There are certain dangers that do make a marriage more vulnerable to an affair occurring.
Research shows that most people who become involved in an affair did not intend to. In fact, most say they consider having an affair is against their values. Research also shows that over half of affairs occur in the workplace. Most of these affairs seem to blossom because good people don't know the pitfalls and danger signs. They become too chummy with a coworker and intimacy grows slowly. They find themselves ensnared in a whirlwind of emotion and attraction that could have been avoided.
The good news is most affairs can be avoided. Read on and find out what those dangers are and the secrets to affair proofing your marriage.
Danger #1 -- Getting too chummy with a coworker.
Tip #1 -- Keep conversations at the water cooler and else where casual and don't get personal. Once personal information is shared you are developing intimacy with someone other than your spouse. Most affairs do not start out with the married partner intending to have an affair; they end up as a result of a "slippery slope."
Danger #2 -- Talking about your spouse or your marital problems with a member of the other gender.
Tip #2-- Whether you are experiencing minor frustrations with your spouse or you believe your marriages in big trouble, talk with someone who could not possibly turn into a threat to your relationship down the line. Avoid any intimacies (sharing personal information) with a potential partner.
Danger #3 -- Your friend/coworker confides in you.
Tip #3 -- Extricate yourself form the role of confidant. You are now in an intimate relationship with someone other than your spouse. Also, "being the one who understands" is very seductive.
Danger #4 -- You put effort into looking nice for this person.
Tip #4-- Be very honest with yourself about what you are doing and how you are feeling about your spouse and your marriage. There may be absolutely nothing lacking in your relationship or marriage but having someone new can be very seductive and exciting.
Danger #5-- Working late starts to include going for dinner and a drink.
Tip #5 -- Keep work at work. Working late is how many affairs begin. When at work late try to have a third coworker involved in the project.
Danger #6 -- You've stopped talking about your friend or coworker to your spouse.
Tip #6 -- Keep your spouse in the loop about this friend like you would any other friend or business associate. If you find you have stopped mentioning someone you used to mention to your spouse it is again, time to be very honest with yourself. And, start talking about them again.
Danger #7 -- You keep your business calls from home "private."
Tip #7 -- Avoid dong this at all costs. Keep these calls strictly business. If you need some quiet and go in your den make sure the door is open. If you are reluctant to do so ask yourself why.
I invite you to follow these tips to help guard against an extramarital affair.
Have access to my Free Report: "21 Ways to Renew Fun, Love and Passion" when you subscribe to my free monthly newsletter, "Love Your Love Relationship," a monthly newsletter with advice and tips on creating a strong, healthy and loving marriage. You can get access to both at www.Beatthemarriageodds.com.
For further assistance with your marriage or relationship you can go to www.Beatthemarraigeodds.typepad.com or www.Beatthemarriageodds.typepad/affairrecovery.com.
Photo courtesy Geo Okretic
... Continue reading Seven Secrets to Affair-Proofing Your Marriage.
Keep the Home Fires Burning: Sexual Healing
Stress levels are high these days. Some of us have lost jobs, are afraid of losing jobs, or have close friends and family who have lost jobs. Everyone is worried about money to some degree. There's uncertainty and tension everywhere you look.
All this attention to worry might have left you giving little attention to other pursuits - like sex. But forgetting to give attention to your partner can lead to more stress, and that creates problems. If you are able to switch gears and forget worry for a bit, you can create a bit of sexual healing.
How can you do this when you're stressed and distracted all the time? That's a challenge, we know. But learning how to switch gears is an essential component to bringing back the romance and even affecting a little sexual healing.
Let's look at some ways to make this happen.
Make a cut-off each day
Easier said than done, to be sure, but this can be done with some focus and consistency. Decide on a time each day (perhaps around 9) when work and chores should be done. By this time, you should be done thinking about money, fretting over the job, or worrying about anything else.
Consider coming up with a formal transition each day. Perhaps at 9, you get in the bathtub and read a book. That signals that you are ready for other pursuits beyond the worries of the day.
Spice it up
When romantic endeavors are consistent from encounter to encounter, it's easy to get bored and allow worry to take over these activities. But if you do some things to spice it up, you might see sex as a welcome escape from the troubles of the day.
What entails spicing things up will vary from person to person, and couple to couple, of course, but consider adding toys or different positions. You might even consider a weekend where you send the kids away and reconnect with your partner sexually and romantically, sparking more interest beyond that weekend.
Speed it up
When life gets busy, it can be easy to let romance fall by the wayside, because there "just isn't time" but if you make time, you'll find that you want to make time more often. While a true quickie isn't for everyone, it can be a way to build more romantic and sexual connection, which often begets more and more romantic and sexual connection.
Or slow it down
The flip side of this is where the connections and healing can take place. When you slow down and really take time to enjoy being with your partner, you can begin to find some solace in that connection and be reminded of why you found comfort in your partner in the first place.
Take the time every now and then (at least once a month, but ideally more often) to slow down and enjoy every inch of your partner. Relish the sensations and the connection and relax into the comfort of having a loving partner to come home to each night.
by Deb McLeod
... Continue reading Keep the Home Fires Burning: Sexual Healing.
From Single Mom to Brady Bunch: Introducing the Kids to Your New Love Interest
This is the first in our series of articles about dating and mating for single moms. You can also join the single moms discussion in our MomTalk.com forums.
By Chris Grannis
Being a single parent can sometimes be lonely and it's a healthy sign when you feel ready to begin dating again. This can be a heady, happy time in your life, and it is easy to let your heart rule your head. But it is essential that you always have your children's welfare at the forefront of your mind throughout this process.
Stage One - Dating
Casual dating can be a lot of fun, but introducing our children to every man who invites us out for a cup of coffee is really not a good idea. We should not run the risk of kids becoming attached to someone who may disappear from their lives in a week or two. Tell the kids you're going on a date, or for coffee with a friend, and then go and have fun. If they ask how the date went you can tell them you had a nice time/meal/game, but, no matter how excited you may be about this man do not go into too much detail. Focus on the event, rather than the person.
Stage Two - Becoming Exclusive
Finally you've met someone with whom you want to go on a second date, and a third, and a fourth . . . And pretty soon you're both deciding that, actually, you don't really want to see anyone else because, well, this feels pretty special. What a wonderful feeling!
However, at this stage it's still too early to think of introducing this absolute dreamboat to your kids. Why? Well, think about it. Remember the days when you would lie on your bed and call your best friend and twirl the phone cord round your finger and say, 'Oh! My! Gosh! This is it! He is The One!' And then the next week you were in love with someone else? Well, your best friend didn't mind, but your kids will. So, give yourself time to get to know Mr. Wonderful's not-so-wonderful side before you decide if it's going to be a life-long commitment.
But this is the time when you can start to tell your kids that you are dating a nice man called John who has two sons aged five and nine, and a cat, a dog, and three rabbits. By telling the children about John and his family they can start to become comfortable with your progressing relationship and will be much more ready to accept him when the time comes. And if things go pear-shaped in a month or two you'll have the reassurance that you've protected your children.
It is important, also, to remember that single moms often have extremely close relationships with their children. Throughout the dating process it is vital that you continue to nurture this relationship and help your kids feel that they are just as important to you as they have always been.
Stage Three - Commitment
This is the stage when you realize that, yes, he is a wonderful man, and yes, he can also be extremely annoying when he falls asleep during the chick-flick he has agreed to watch with you, but the good outweighs the bad, and you really do believe that this thing is going to last for an long time. And, of course, he feels the same way about you - apart from the chick-flick bit - and you have discussed a future together. Finally it's time to let your kids meet this paragon of virtue.
Don't Spring It on Them
It's important that you give the kids advance notice of the family date with your man. Give them a few options of what you might do and let them decide. This helps them feel involved and gives them a certain amount of control of the situation. Tell them, 'John would like to take us all out on Saturday. Would you prefer to go bowling, to the zoo, or to see a movie?' Of course, as in any normal family, this might cause problems if there is a disagreement on the activity, but flipping a coin should solve the problem and you can always say, 'We will go bowling next time.'
Even the most well behaved kids can act up during these initial stages of getting to know your new partner and a gentle reminder may be necessary. Rather than turn it into a negative experience by warnings and threats simply say something like, 'I'm so proud of your good manners and behavior and I know that John will be very impressed.' Children respond so well to positive expectations.
Hopefully, by following the stages from casual dating to commitment, and continuing to nurture your children and your relationship with them, this first step into blended families should run smoothly. Of course, it is only the beginning, and problems will always arise, whether in traditional, single-parent, or blended families. But preparation can help eliminate these problems, and can assist in solving them when they do arise.
... Continue reading From Single Mom to Brady Bunch: Introducing the Kids to Your New Love Interest.
Have a Mother-Daughter Spa Day
by Nicole LaMarco
Catch up with your daughter and spend some quality time with a spa day. You have two options with having a mother and daughter spa day. One, you could spend a day at a local spa, or you could have your own spa day at home.
How to Have a Spa Day with Your Daughter Locally
If you want to have a spa day with your daughter at a local spa you will need to call around to local spas and ask about a mother and daughter spa day package. Most spas now have these packages. Ask about refreshments and meals, considering you will be there for the day. Ask to have all of the details of what is included in a mother and daughter spa day in writing. Once you choose a spa schedule your appointment at least two weeks in advance.
How to Have a Spa Day with Your Daughter at Home
Now, if you want to get a little more creative and involved with your spa day you can have one at home. This will take more time, but is definitely more fun. Plan your spa day when you have the time and your daughter will be available. Start the day off by going to a local pharmacy or discount store and searching for spa items.
15 Items for a Home Spa Day:
1. Manicure Set
2. Pedicure Set
3. Deep Hair Conditioner
4. Facial Masks
5. Robes
6. Aromatherapy Candles
7. Movie for you both
8. Slippers
9. Comfortable Pajamas
10. Foot Spas
11. Snacks and Meals
12. Bottled Water
13. Eye Gel Masks
14. Moisturizer
15. Nail Polish
You don't have to get everything on the list. You might only have time for a half spa day with your daughter, and that is fine. Choose the items that you and your daughter will enjoy. Plan ahead and make your meals the day before. Take your daughter with you when you go shopping so she can have some input on the items to buy, unless it will be a surprise spa day!
Spa Day Schedule
Morning: Eat a light breakfast and take showers. Use deep conditioner in the shower. Put on comfortable pajamas, robes and slippers.
Mid-Morning: Give each other manicures and pedicures and talk. talk. talk.
Noon: Eat lunch.
Early Afternoon: Time for face masks, eye gel masks, and a foot soak in the foot spas. Put on some relaxing music and talk some more. Remove masks and have a light snack.
Late Afternoon: Put on the movie (comedy recommended) and enjoy.
Evening: Have dinner together and talk openly.
The best part about having a home spa day is that you get to do it any way you want to. However, if you don't have the time to shop and plan, then go for the spa day locally. It will be a great bonding experience and give you both time to catch up and talk. You can even make mother and daughter spa day a regular thing!
Editor's note:
Many spas in the Twin Cities will create a special spa day package for your mother-daughter day or customize services for the two of you. Check out some of these Minneapolis-St.Paul spas.
Aveda New Reflections (2 Twin Cities Spa Locations)
Plymouth Town Center,
3530 Vicksburg Lane
,Plymouth, MN 55447
763-559-3185
Maple Grove Fountains at Arbor Lakes
11620 Fountains Drive
Maple Grove, MN 55369
763-559-3185
www.newreflectionspa.com
New Reflections Salon offers full spa services available at the Plymouth and Maple Grove locations. Create a custom mother-daughter day spa package to relax, rejuvenate and reconnect.
Accolades Salon | Spa
2065 Randolph Ave,
St Paul, MN 55105
65
968-8154
www.accoladessalonspa.com
Prepare to be pampered at Accolades Salon | Spa in St. Paul. Let the friendly and professional staff at Accolades help you design a mother-daughter spa package complete with facial, massage, manicure, pedicure and more. Both of you deserve a day of luxury at this premiere spa.
Jewel Spa
600 Hennepin Avenue, Suite 150
, Minneapolis, MN 55403
www.jewelspa.com
Located next to the grave 601 hotel in Minneapolis, Jewel Spa offers spa services in a calming environment, complete with 5 star treatment.
Enchantment Retreat Day Spa
582 Prairie Center Drive
Suite 230B,
Eden Prairie, MN 55344
952-942-0600
www.enchantmentretreatdayspa.com
Customize a mother-daughter spa day at the Enchantment Retreat Day Spa in Eden Prairie. Enjoy a wide range of relaxing spa services, all while sharing special moments laughing and visiting with one another.
reVamp! Salonspa
2910 Hennepin Ave. S.
Minneapolis, MN 55408
612-341-0404
www.revampsalonspa.com
Named one of the Twin Cities premiere salons and spas, the friendly staff at reVamp! Salonspa invite you to build your own spa package to make your mother-daughter spa day perfect.
Sanctuary SalonSpa (4 Twin Cities Locations)
995 Prairie Center Drive
Eden Prairie, MN 55344
952-949-1313
1201 Harmon Pl.
Ste 105
Minneapolis, MN 55403
612-333-3788
16506B West 78th Street
Eden Prairie, MN 55344
952-253-4500
5615 Manitou Road
Tonka Bay, MN 55331
952-474-4412
Tranquility awaits you at Sanctuary SalonSpa. All types of spa services are available and most treatments can be set up for two people in the same room at the same time. Perfect for mothers and daughters to spend time together at the spa.
Juut Salonspa
1125 Wayzata Blvd E
Wayzata, MN 55391
952-404-9955
www.juut.com
Pamper yourselves and strengthen the mother-daughter bond at Juut Salonspa. A multitude of spa services can be found at Juut, making a spa day together a wonderful time to relax and enjoy each other's company.
Spalon Montage
8375 Seasons Pkwy
Woodbury, MN 55125
3909 West 49 1/2 St at 50th and France
Edina, MN 55424
600 Market St Suite 270
Chanhassen, MN 55317
952-915-2900 (all locations)
www.spalonmontage.com
As you walk into Spalon Montage, you first experience a calming atmosphere with soft music. This sets the stage for a wonderful and relaxing mother-daughter spa day that neither of you will soon forget.
... Continue reading Have a Mother-Daughter Spa Day.
Parents in Love: How to Model a Loving Marriage for Your Children
by Jean Tracy, MSS
Marriage and parenting require modeling listening skills. When your partner speaks, do you listen, interrupt, or walk away? What do your children see? Look inside to find out what one successful couple did.
Ed and Marilyn, married over 25 years, meet my husband, Jim, and me at a fancy restaurant every year for a holiday dinner. Our conversations flow easily as we play catch-up. We discuss the events of the past year, our children, and movies each other must see.
At our last dinner I asked, "What is the bond that keeps you together?" Ed looked down, took a bite of herbed chicken and said, "We worked in a hospital running therapy groups before we fell in love. We already knew the importance of communication."
Marilyn reminded Ed about something he told her before they married. Ed had confided that whenever his mother brought up problems, his father left the room. Marilyn told Ed, "If you ever do that to me, "I'll go further and stay longer." Ed knew exactly what she meant.
Marilyn smiled, "Ed has never walked away."
Ed added, "We solve our problems together."
Listening well takes love, patience and respect. Below are 3 listening tips to show respect, increase patience, and show love for each other.
1st Marriage Listening Tip: See Things from Your Partner's Perspective.
You don't need to argue. You don't need to agree either. You do need to know your spouse's viewpoint by listening well. This takes patience because you'll be putting a stop to thinking about other things while your partner is talking.
Your gift: Your partner will appreciate you and feel respected. Your children will realize not everyone has the same viewpoint.
2nd Marriage Listening Tip: Repeat What Your Spouse Says In Your Own Words -- You'll need to develop a listening ear. To do this you'll have to focus on your partner's words. You might have to struggle to pay attention.
The next step is to repeat what your partner just said. If you get it wrong, ask your mate to repeat it and try again.
Your gift: You won't be walking away. Your partner will know you care. Your children will witness your listening skill.
3rd Marriage Listening Tip: Ask Your Partner Questions to Show Interest
Asking your partner questions doesn't mean cross-examining. It does mean showing genuine interest in your partner's thoughts. Giving your spouse the attention that good questions offer, will increase the bond between you. Why? Everyone wants attention. Everyone wants to be heard.
Your gift: With your questions you'll make your partner feel important. Don't be surprised if your children begin to model this skill from your example.
Conclusion for Modeling a Loving Marriage and Becoming Parents in Love: The above story about Ed and Marilyn is an excerpt from my eBook, Parents in Love -- 121 Dating Ideas. Ed and Marilyn learned how not to communicate from Ed's father. They modeled how to listen for themselves and their children. Ed and Marilyn are still deeply in love. Your efforts to listen will give your partner, you, and your children priceless gifts that bond you together.
Remember to see things from your partner's viewpoint. Repeat what your spouse says in your own words. Ask your partner questions to show your interest. If you do you'll be respected, your children will learn to communicate, and your spouse will feel close to you. Listening well is a great way to give, model, and receive love.
Have some thoughts about marriage, sex and romance? Discuss it in our forums
Jean Tracy, MSS shares stories, tips, and the secret formula all lovers need in her eBook, Parents in Love. With 121 low to no-cost dating ideas and 89 dating coupons, you can laugh, play, and cherish each other forever. Find out more at Parents in Love and become parents in love today.
... Continue reading Parents in Love: How to Model a Loving Marriage for Your Children.
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